FOR women like Dina Matos and Gayle Haggard, their story is seldom told.
Matos has kept a stoic silence since her husband, a former New Jersey governor, emerged from the closet two years ago. They are separated now.
Haggard wrote a letter to her church members two weeks ago stating that she loved her husband dearly “till death do us part”.
She is married to the Rev Ted Haggard who recently resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of a 14,000-member church in Colorado after he admitted to “sexual immorality” following accusations from a male escort that the reverend had paid him for sex. He denied the charge but admitted that he had a massage from him.
“For those of you who have been concerned that my marriage was so perfect I could not possibly relate to women who are facing great difficulties, I know that this will never again be the case,” said the preacher’s wife, her heart broken.
Bonnie Kaye, 55, has lived through such pains as well.
“He loved me but not in the way a man should love his wife,” said Kaye of her former husband. They were married for eight years and have two children.
In a telephone conversation from Philadelphia where she lives, Kaye said her husband never admitted to his homosexuality throughout their marriage.
She spoke of her earlier suspicions, such as the way her husband would look at a certain guy and how he became overly excited about being with his male friends but never displayed similar fervour when she was around.
“It ended up an unhappy marriage. He tried to live a life that was not his.”
When he eventually opened up to her years after their divorce, Kaye said there was not much emotion “because I already knew it by then”.
Since 1984 when her marriage ended, Kaye has earned a master’s in counselling and has been helping women in the same shoes.
“About 95% of the women have no clue about their husband. These men usually get married in their 20s. They are young and they can respond to any touches. So, there is no way for the wife to tell because the husband can still perform sexually for a number of years,” she explained.
There was also the stereotype behaviour of gays as portrayed on TV when, in reality, not all of them would exhibit such attitudes, she said.
“Studies have shown that most men refuse to tell the truth to their wives. Ask them about it and they will tell you that you’re crazy,” she said.
Afraid of losing their family and respectability, they did not want to get out of the marriage.
“The gay movement hasn’t come that far,” said Kaye, who has written four books on the subject. Her latest, Straight Wives: Shattered Lives, which came out in September, is a compilation of the testimonies of 27 women from around the world.
She said such marriages often lead to the wives suffering from low self-esteem. Some of them went for treatments such as liposuction, thinking that they could make themselves attractive to their husband again.
“I have worked with two models and women who have doctorates, all of whom are suffering from low self-esteem. It is a trauma, a very horrible experience for women to go through.”
Many of the wives were in despair and afraid of being blamed, for instance by the in-laws who would say “What did you do to him? My son was okay when he married you.”
Thus, Kaye’s next book will be called How I Made My Husband Gay. It’s a sarcastic title, said Kaye, who believes that being gay was “determined at birth”.
Besides being featured on TV and appearing on talk shows, Kaye also manages two websites on the topic.
“I used to feel that I’m the only one in this. In the 1980s, this was really a taboo but it is getting more common now, especially in the last two years,” she said.
She wants to send out the message to women in a similar predicament that there is help and support when they need it.
As for her former spouse, Kaye said she has already forgiven him.
“He wasn’t a good husband but he is a very good ex-husband,” she said, laughing.
(Sunday November 19, 2006)
