The enduring appeal of 'Agony Aunts'

Agony aunts are thriving even in this Internet age as proven by Dear Abby, a syndicated column which appears in 1,400 newspapers and gets letters worldwide, from Malaysia to Kosovo.

A 12-year-old girl wrote to an agony aunt, saying that she went into a Hunger Games chatroom on her iPod Touch and encountered three people who asked her for sex. They also wanted semi-nude pictures of her.
“I got so scared I couldn’t sleep,” she said.
That was just a sampling of heartfelt letters found recently in Dear Abby, an advice column which began five decades ago in Iowa, United States.
The agony aunt is Jeanne Phillips, who took over the job in 1987 from her mother who started the column under the name Abigail Van Buren.
In these days where help is just a tap away on the keyboard or touch screen, agony aunts (or uncles) have not gone out of style.
“While advice on the Internet may be only one click away, not all of it is good or correct information,” said Phillips in an e-mail interview.
Another “selling point” of advice columnists as pointed out by Phillips: they offer anonymity, which is something you won’t get if you approach a school counsellor, for instance. This probably explains why they have survived since 1691 when the advice column was born.
In an article on “A brief history of agony aunts” in The Guardian about three years ago, the writer reviewed a book by Tanith Carey titled Never Kiss A Man In A Canoe: Words Of Wisdom From The Golden Age Of Agony Aunts.
The writer discovered that a 32-year-old man in 1691 was troubled about an affair he was having. With no one to turn to, he started what has become known as the first advice column.
Such columns, like Dear Abby, have evolved through the years, said Phillips.
“Society has changed. Readers are more open about their problems than they were when Dear Abby began,” Phillips said.
“But the core of the problem, which is interpersonal relations, has not changed. The questions involve how people interact with each other, whether it is in social situations, in the home and family, the school or the workplace.”
Today’s women, she said, form a greater part of the workforce and this has taken its toll on the family.
“Also there is the phenomenon of stay-at-home dads, which is fairly new. Some of them feel isolated and not accepted.”
There are also many queries from people who complain about their significant other who still does not want to commit to a marriage despite them having kids together.
“There’s a lot of that these days,” she said.
Dear Abby gets about 10,000 letters and e-mails every week, mostly from people between the ages of 18 and 49. About 30% of them are guys.
“Seeing to it that every question is read is challenging. That’s why I have a staff of trained people to help me make sure that people in crisis get a prompt reply.”
When she gets letters from readers who are suicidal, she said she would pick up the phone and call them.
“I’ll offer to listen, talk to their doctor for them or steer them to a community mental health clinic or suicide hotline.”
Dear Abby, as she points out, is never boring.Its website reveals a gamut of everyday problems. One woman said she had been seeing a guy who always insists on going Dutch or never offers to pay during their dates.
Abby’s advice? “Are you getting what you’re paying for, and is it enough for you? If the answer is no, then scratch him.”
Nothing seems too trivial for an advice columnist. There was a letter from an office worker complaining about a colleague who wears flip-flops every day and “the sound of her walking is extremely annoying, to the point where I get a headache.”
The advice given was entertaining: “If the boss says her footwear is fine, then you’re out of luck. Wear earplugs, use aspirin as directed.”
In another case, one wedding guest, who was trying to buy a gift for the soon-to-be married couple, was upset to find out that they had listed pricey items for their cats in their online wedding registry.
Sometimes, the readers themselves send in their advice. Dear Abby published a letter on Aug 21 from a 58-year-old man for women who often lament about finding the right guy.
“We’re right here every day, working in the same building, going to the same functions, eating at the same diners,” he wrote.
“You want to find a guy in your age range? Step back, be honest and really look at yourself. How do you act, dress, talk? Would you date you? Do you measure up to the standards you have set for the right guy?”
“Take the time to see who he is, what he enjoys and remember, he’s not going to change, and if he did, he wouldn’t be what you wanted anyway.”
Phillips, on her part, said she thoroughly enjoyed her aunt agony duties.
“My work is also my hobby. It’s really not ‘work’ if you enjoy what you’re doing and I happen to love it.”
“I never tire of being an ‘agony aunt’. What I do is part of who I am, and always have been. I like people and I’m interested in them.”
Where does an agony aunt go to when she needs a shoulder to cry on?
“When I need advice or consolation, I go to my husband for affection, the benefit of his experience (and he’s had plenty of it), as well as his unstinting support. I’m a very lucky woman. I consider him to be my gift from God.”
She believes that the popularity of Dear Abby is due to the fact that she does not “sermonise”.
“I answer the questions as clearly, concisely and briefly as I can. It is both a responsibility and an honour and it is humbling.”
She said her advice had been used as the basis of sermons in churches and by professors of sociology and philosophy for lectures.
“People pour their hearts out to me in an endless stream of headaches, heartaches and confessions. They do it because they trust me and know I won’t judge or belittle them, and that I’ll do my best to give them resources to find help.”

Call of the kitchen

New York’s latest über fancy restaurant is wowing the fine-dining crowd, thanks to a Taiping boy who is cooking up a storm with his brand of Chinese cuisine.
PETER Parker has his Spider-Man costume while Tony Stark becomes Iron Man, thanks to his “power suit”.
As for Ho Chee Boon, all he needs is a wok to transform himself.
“I know little about investments. I don’t know how to chat up a girl. But when I have a wok in my hands, I become a confident man.
“It doesn’t matter where I work, if I have a wok with me, I know that I can kowtim what I’m supposed to do,” said the 39-year-old Ho, who is the executive chef of Hakkasan in the United States.
The New York Times has billed Hakkasan as “the world’s only luxury Chinese restaurant chain” with branches in London, Miami, Mumbai, Abu Dhabi and Dubai.
On April 3, it opened its doors near Times Square in New York City, where Ho is now based.
Ho, who has clocked 24 years in the business including stints in Singapore, Brunei, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Britain, Russia and Thailand, is the man behind the meticulously crafted menu at Hakkasan.
There is the black truffle roasted duck which has emerged as one of the signature dishes despite its US$88 (RM267) tag.
Other best-sellers include the grilled Chilean seabass with Chinese honey (US$48/RM146) and stir-fry lobster with mushrooms in XO sauce (US$59/RM179).
The seven most expensive items on the menu are known as the “supreme special dishes” where prices range from US$78/RM237 (stir-fried bird’s nest with lobster and scrambled egg white) to US$888 (RM2,695) for the braised Japanese abalone with black truffle.
There are plenty of takers, apparently. Take, for example, the Peking duck with Kaluga caviar which is priced at US$345 (RM1,047).
“We get eight to 10 orders for it every day. In fact, we have to control the number of orders for the Peking duck as we want to ensure quality in our delivery,” Ho said.
There are other more plebeian offerings, though, such as the seafood fried rice (US$18/RM55), Hakka noodles with mushrooms and Chinese chive (US$15/RM45), and sweet and sour pork tenderloin with pomegranate (US$24/RM73).
Ho, who heads a kitchen crew of 70, said business has been good at Hakkasan New York, which can seat about 200 people.
“It’s hard to get in without making reservations especially during weekends,” he said.
Even celebrities have taken note of Hakkasan New York. Denzel Washington, Kevin Bacon and Dakota Fanning are among those who have already been there.
Ho isn’t just taking care of the New York outpost. As the corporate development chef, he is helping to set up branches in San Francisco, Las Vegas and Los Angeles. His tasks, besides “flying here and there to recruit chefs”, include training the staff and developing the menu.
“Every city has its own uniqueness and preferences. Here in New York, diners are big on seafood. They like their lobsters,” he said.
This, he said, was different from places such as Mumbai where more vegetarian dishes are offered.
“But overall, people want healthy food. We use little oil in our cooking. MSG is unheard of,” he said. Canned food is almost a no-no.
Ho is the proverbial product of the school of hard knocks. He grew up poor in Taiping, Perak, where his late father was a restaurant worker and his mother, now 76, was a vegetable seller. There were 10 mouths to feed and Ho, as the No. 9 kid, knew from young that he had to earn his keep.
“I would go to restaurants or roadside stalls, asking for part-time work washing dishes,” he recalled.
His love for the kitchen could perhaps be attributed to his mother, whom he used to watch as she cooked for the family.
“Her dishes were always delicious. The aroma was irresistible. Or perhaps I was always a hungry boy back then,” he laughed.
Despite doing well in his studies, he quit school to find work. He ventured to Kuala Lumpur, taking up odd jobs at restaurants and at 17, he went off to Singapore.
“I would always look for jobs at top restaurants wherever I went,” he said. “I took time to learn about Chinese herbs as well.”
Prior to his arrival in New York, Ho had been the executive chef at Breeze in Lebua State Tower, Bangkok. He was previously the head chef at Turandot, Moscow, and also the sous chef at Hakkasan Hanway Place in London.
Despite the pressure-cooker environment, Ho said: “I am happy being in a kitchen. Yes, it can get very busy and intense and we would holler at one another. I’m not that foul-mouthed, but we are a loud bunch. It’s just all in a day’s work,” he laughed.
Despite his globetrotting job, Ho comes home to Malaysia frequently to visit his family.
“I was back about two or three times last year,” he said. “Whenever I am home, I like to go for the street food. A good plate of char kuey teow is a must,” he said.
But for someone who can dish out elaborate Cantonese cuisine, he is surprisingly simple about his favourite food.
“I like anything that’s good to eat!” If he is cooking for himself, a bowl of Korean instant noodles will do.
His life has always been consumed by work. His days usually end after midnight and by 10am the next day, he is back at work. Ho, who is single, has bigger things in mind these days. During his three-year stint from 2003 at Hakkasan Hanway Place, the restaurant was awarded a Michelin star. His target now is to earn a two-star ranking for Hakkasan New York.
“The best part about being a chef is when people acknowledge you for the good food. When my food is appreciated, I feel happy.”