Painful love bytes

Shakespeare is right even in these days of Twitter and text messages – the course of true love never does run smooth, as seen from testimonies in one of the largest US dailies.

ONE woman relates how she would get a tattoo after each breakup. It is “pain therapy” of sorts for her. Another confesses that she left her boyfriend despite his being a loyal partner.

Then she was smitten by another guy who was scheduled to appear in a new reality show. In her zeal to win his love, “I made myself too available”. In the end, she lost him as well. These are all real life accounts of “love in the new millenium”, as writer Daniel Jones puts it. And love is just as fraught in this cyber-age of Facebook, iPhone, Twitter and e-mail.

“But the ways of finding, keeping, losing and talking about love has changed,” Jones notes. “Now, technology is so overwhelmingly a part of dating and mating, it’s hard to think of what we did before. And there’s a casualness about love and sex that seems more pervasive than ever.”

A college student, 21, wrote that the cyber-age is “where hookups are just a Craigslist ad away and the game has evolved to the point of no rules. For my generation, friendship often morphs into a sexual encounter and then reverts to friendship the next day.”

Jones has seen, or rather, read many of such cases. He is the editor of Modern Love, a popular Sunday column in The New York Times, which features contributions from people about love or longing.

The stories are not all about romance. One man talks about appreciating a difficult mother, a “drama queen” who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. Another guy broke up with his girlfriend of five years but still “spied” on her on Facebook and got upset when he discovered that his grandfather had befriended his ex on the site. That, he felt, was a betrayal.

Modern Love has been under Jones’ charge since it started about six years ago. He gets essays from around the United States from “everyday people”, from high school students to grandparents.

“I receive about 300 submissions a month,” Jones says in an e-mail interview. The column invites frank, personal testimonies on families, relationships, dating, parenthood or any other situation that is considered contemporary love.

Jones, 47, has lost count of the stories that touched him. But, he adds, his job becomes even more compelling when he comes across “a smart or sensitive new voice”.

“I do get worn down by material that’s subpar for whatever reason, or by reading the same situation over and over. But a great piece can make up for it.”

He has his own love story to share about his wife, the author of My Sister’s Bones and Sweet Ruin.

“She and I met when she visited my graduate writing programme in Tuscon, Arizona. We got to know each other through letters for several months until we were able to meet again and see if we actually liked each other in person. That was before e-mail, 20 years ago.”

They have a daughter, 15, and a son, 12.

Jones believes that modern tools in the 21st century have made communication easier “but the work of love, and the awkwardness, seems to remain much the same. People still get hurt, dumped, and heartbroken, and always will. Your Facebook status won’t shield you from that. Neither can iPhone or Twitter.”

Take, for example, how a woman described being told by her husband of two decades that he does not love her anymore: “His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch,” she wrote.

People now have practically limitless choice when it comes to finding love, or so it seems, with technology and social networking, Jones says.

“We used to be somewhat limited by locale, job or school, or to those within a certain circle. Now that has been blasted apart, and we can find love anywhere. But greater choice comes with its own hazards and the expectations can be kind of paralysing – there’s a feeling that there’s always someone better out there.”

For those who are married, it has become easy to look up old loves and re-connect.

“This fuels fantasies about ‘what might have been’, and in many cases, these late-in-life reconnections are destroying marriages.

“With this ease comes complication. Ah, the wonders of technology!”

Jones, who grew up in Pittsburgh, is based in Northampton, Massachusetts. He is the author of After Lucy, a finalist for the Barnes & Noble Discover Award, and the editor of an anthology titled The Bastard on the Couch: 27 Men Try Really Hard to Explain their Feelings about Love, Loss, Fatherhood and Freedom.

Although most of the contributors to Modern Love are females, Jones says there there have been more male readers than he expected. Modern Love has become so popular that a selection of the essays has been compiled into a book titled Modern Love – 50 True and Extraordinary Tales of Desire, Deceit and Devotion.

Jones, who has sifted through tens of thousands of love stories, remembers October 2009 as being his best month.

“I just loved all the four essays (for) that month,” he says. One of the stories was submitted by a man who said he had become a better person and a more loving partner to his companion after getting a dachshund as a pet. In a Valentine’s Day article this year, Jones wrote: “Will love always be this strange? You’d think by now we would have an iHeart app that takes our quivering insecurities and converts them into kilowatts that can be sold back to the power company.”

But unfortunately, we don’t, as he well knows.

Nadia keeps Naza flag flying

It is easy to write off anyone who is born into a business empire but Nur Nadia SM Nasimuddin seems to have a good head on her shoulders and the competence to continue the work of her late father.

FOR all her youth, Nur Nadia SM Nasimuddin is beginning to walk the talk as she strives to become another force behind the Naza brand.

“I have always been interested in the family business,” says the youngest child of the late Tan Sri SM Nasimuddin SM Amin, who in 1975 started what was to become Malaysia’s biggest importer of luxury cars and which eventually evolved into a giant conglomerate with about 30 companies.

Nadia, 24, is the director of Naza Hotels and F&B Group, and oversees five hotels and two restaurants.

During a one-hour interview, Nadia talks about how she always knew her primary calling in life.

“When I was studying, my dad had mentioned the hotel business. And I knew earlier on that this was what I wanted to do,” she says.

Nadia has been in the family business since graduating in management studies from the University of Nottingham almost three years ago.

She would go to the United States about once every two months for business trips to inspect the two hotels in California owned by Naza.

“It’s a tough business, but I have a passion for it,” she says.

Her work philosophy is all about pleasing the customers and providing consistent service.

“We want to build trust. It has been a learning curve for me and I have a good support team.”

She gets down to details, too, as she notes that one of her pet concerns is the cleanliness of the hotels.

“I would even check the toilets. I would be upset if I find that things are not clean. Things like these are not tolerated in my hotels,” she stresses, referring to the three Naza Talyya hotels in Johor Baru, Malacca and Penang.

As the boss of about 210 staff members, Nadia describes herself as someone quite strict yet understanding.

“I discovered that I have a drive to motivate people. They feel that they can work with me.

But questions on the so-called “lifestyle of the rich and famous” draw few comments from Nadia who prefers to talk about being at home with her family.

“I don’t really go out at night.”

There is, apparently, no nightlife nor parties for this young woman, which perhaps explains why she has largely sidestepped the public spotlight or scandals usually associated with the wealthy.

Asked where she would “hang out”, she names KLCC and Pavillion but even then, it would mostly be for lunch or dinner with business associates or family members.

During the interview, she appears hesitant, even tentative in her replies. One can only surmise that she is not entirely at ease being in the public eye.

What comes through, however, is a seemingly sensible and well-brought up young woman who cares deeply about family ties, the family business and reputation.

Where does she shop for clothes? “Zara, Topshop,” she replies. Her wedding ring was purchased from Habib Jewels.

That isn’t entirely expected from someone who is part of an empire that has been estimated to be worth at least RM3bil.

Her upbringing has to be credited for that.

According to Nadia, her parents had been strict with her and her four older siblings, drilling into them that they should not squander the family fortune.

“We were taught to control our expenses and not to splurge. We are mindful of the hard work that my dad put in to build the empire.”

She recalls her father bringing them to the orphanages so that they would appreciate what they had.

“During Ramadan, he would host buka puasa for orphans. In fact, he had always wanted to take us to India so that we could see how different life is for others.”

As a child, her parents would tell her off when she used up her pocket money faster than she should have.There were no compromises, too, where their studies were concerned.

As a result, Nadia had excelled in school; first in Sri Cempaka, then at Kolej Tuanku Ja’afar (KTJ).

Does she like cars? “Yes, but not the way my brothers like them!”

She does not own any vehicle and would hop into any car that the chauffeur brought in the morning.

In July, Nadia married Hamzah Alang, 26, the son of the Holiday Villa Hotels owner.

Going by the murmurs in the blogs, the wedding was one of those things she had indulged in as the reception had been a grand affair.

“I knew him during our days in KTJ. We were just friends then.” They dated for about a year before they got married.

Shortly after Hari Raya, the couple headed off to Hawaii and French Polynesia for their honeymoon.

Asked about her daily routine, Nadia says her day would usually start with breakfast with the family. “I would see my brothers and update them on the hotels.”

There is no sibling rivalry, she insists. “We are all in the business, doing different things.”

Naysayers will think that she merely serves as a garnish in her father’s massive empire.

“People tend to judge you, thinking that those born with a silver spoon don’t even have to finish their studies,” Nadia confides.

But with her resume, she knows she has the last word.

Dating on the cards

Never mind that little black dress. A new, essential tool these days is a little black card for single women (and men) who have eyed someone out there.

WHEN Lori Cheek, an architect, spotted an attractive stranger during a Fourth of July party in the Hamptons, she quietly slipped a black calling card into his back pocket.

The man did not even see Cheek, 37.

Since then, however, they have been going out on dates; the guy had decided to take up the bidding in the card where, stated in small print, was the message “find me”.

Also on the card was a website address (www.cheekd.com) and a unique code.

Intrigued, he checked out the site and keyed in the code, which linked him to a private online profile about Cheek.

“He e-mailed me after the weekend and we met for a drink,” Cheek said.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a true account of the latest dating tool which has hit New York, a city with almost four million singles according to the 2008 American Community Survey.

A report in The New York Times stated that there are more single people in New York City than the entire population of Chicago which has 2.7 million inhabitants.

Thus, lonely hearts who are wary about online dating or tired of speed dating now have another option that is “fun and non-intimidating” to hit on someone who has just sparked their interest.

“You see someone attractive, you make eye contact or perhaps even offer a wink. Then you hand out the card,” said Cheek, who started the website in May and found her own success story to share.

The cards come with catchy taglines such as “Emotionally Available”, “Our Story Begins”, “We’ll Laugh About This A Year From Now” and “Don’t Overthink This”.

At the website, a deck of 50 cards are offered at US$25 plus one month of free service where users post information or receive messages on the site.

“The advantage here is that the world is your shopping cart,” said Cheek in an e-mail interview. “You are practically shopping on the streets, in real life.”

This, she said, is unlike online dating where everyone knows that men and women out there tend to exaggerate their merits on online dating networks.

The service was a refreshing alternative to online profile browsing, she said. “It is also unlike speed dating or ‘It’s Just Lunch’ events, where your only options are the other individuals at the event.”

Cheek said she had been getting happy feedback from singles who have handed out the cards surreptitiously.

“I got the nicest e-mail from a 53-year-old man with three children whose wife had recently left him. He thought it was a great way to give his card away to women while he was with his children and they wouldn’t really know that he was handing off a pick-up line!”

Cheek said she thought of the idea for such cards about two years ago when she had just finished dinner with a male friend in SoHo, a neighbourhood in Manhattan.

Her friend wrote on the back of his business card “Want to have dinner?” and handed it to a girl at an adjacent table as he and Cheek were leaving the restaurant.

“I thought it was pretty bold and mysterious that he’d slipped her the card, but thought it would be much more interesting if that card hadn’t had the information of his place of employment on it.

“I then started thinking how interesting it would be to have different suggestions pre-printed on cards that you could use in all kinds of different scenarios. The process seemed like a ‘Tag. You’re It’ kind of game for urban singles,” Cheek said.

So far, the response to the cards had been incredible.

“I’ve received thank you letters from users for creating the idea and ‘sharing the magic.’ We’ve gotten thousands of sign-ups on our site.”

The users come from all over the United States.

“Most of the orders are coming from the larger cities but we also have many orders from small towns that I’ve never even heard of!” she enthused. The age range is usually about 20 to 50.

In fact, Cheek had also been getting e-mails from other countries, inquiring how the cards could be purchased overseas.

“We’re working on shipping worldwide and hope to have that set up on our site within the next month.”

She said “Cheek’d” had organised many events since its launch where users and other singles would come for happy-hour drinks.

Cheek’d, of course, isn’t the only such website available now. There are other similar services for singles to mingle with the ones that they fancied.

Still, there are those who question the need for such cards. Why not just walk up to someone and say hi?

“The truth is, people (for the most part) don’t do that. These cards give users a chance to do so without interrupting their lunch/ dinner/previously engaged conversations.”

However, she acknowledged that it takes a bit of courage to hand the card to someone.

“But I also see it as an opportunity to bridge the gap of a certain level of shyness,” Cheek said.

Cheek, who looks for a caring man with a sense of humour, has been seeing the guy whom she “Cheek’d” at the Hamptons a number of times now.

“I’m finding myself really liking him! The bad thing is – I don’t want to get serious about someone because handing these cards out is so much fun!” she said.

Driven by a desire for dance

HE knows all about the grace of the ballet world, learning to “speak” with his body and perfecting his steps along the way ever since he took up dance at age 13.
But until today, Raymond Chai has not learned to see the “colour” in his arts.
“I had never gone for an audition thinking that I might not get the role because I was not of the right skin colour,” Chai said of his earlier days living abroad as a dancer and actor.
Racism, he said, remained somewhat alien to him.
“I never had to play an Oriental part because the performance needed a Chinese person.”
The rare times he did play an Asian role were in Miss Saigon (Stuttgart, Germany, from 1996 till 1999), The King And I (London West End, 2000 till 2002) and Anything Goes (Royal National Theatre and the West End, 2003 till 2005).
Chai first left for London in 1978 when he got a scholarship to study ballet at the Rambert School of Ballet.
“It was a lot of hard work, dancing the whole day, but I didn’t mind. Every day I felt closer to becoming a professional dancer. I remember the teachers being very hard and expecting a lot from all of us in the class,” he recalled.
“The school was tough – if you were not up to the standard, you were out.”
Contract
Four months before he graduated in 1980, Chai was offered a place at the National Ballet of Portugal.
“I was so excited that I accepted the contract immediately and left in three days,” he said.
As the youngest in that ballet company then (he was 19), Chai said he learnt a lot during the eight years he was there doing both classical and modern repertoire.
“It was my time in Portugal that made me what I am today as a ballet teacher and choreographer.”
Chai has also lived and performed in Hamburg, Stuttgart, Zurich and Lisbon. In Lisbon, he won the top prize in the National Choreographic Competition in 1985.
In Britain, he has worked with the Royal National Theatre and the Royal Shakespeare Company.
“I’m grateful to have experienced nearly every part of the art form from classical ballet to musical theatre, to acting. And I’ve performed in opera houses for royal families and heads of state.”
At one point, the Royal Shakespeare Company was doing a production of Kiss Me Kate in which Chai became the first Asian to play a non-Asian role in the West End.
Currently Chai, who has been living in London for 13 years now, is chief ballet master of the Ballet Black Company (Britain).
He is also a lecturer in ballet technique at the London Contemporary Dance School where students come from top conservatories around the world.
“Each year, about 2,000 applicants audition for the 40 places available,” he said.
Chai is also a guest teacher at several dance companies, guiding professional dancers who have completed their training.
Looking back, Chai said his early days were tough as he had to keep up with the competition.
“In a way, things are easier now for the young people because dancing and performing are considered proper jobs. The market is also bigger,” he said.
He recalled the many auditions in which he was rejected and merely told, “Thank you very much.”
But Chai considered himself fortunate that he had never been unemployed.
“I have always had work. I never had to do something else to support myself. I have stayed in business, so to speak.”
He attributed it to being in the right place at the right time. “I am really blessed. God has played a big part in my life.”
Fong Siew Lan, his ballet teacher during his childhood days in Ipoh, deserves mention, too, as she had been instrumental in his formative training.
“She was a very good teacher. She knew I was very interested and gave me extra classes. She helped make my body limber.”
(Incidentally, Bond Girl Michelle Yeoh was also in his class.)
Chai also feels lucky that his parents never objected to him wanting to be a ballet dancer.
“I love being on stage. I have always wanted to be a ballet dancer. I already knew then that ballet wasn’t just a game for me.”
Chai comes back to Malaysia every year to visit his family. Besides, he misses the food and the sunshine.
The Malaysian arts scene, he said, seems to be thriving although he hopes there will be more training for artistes in the advanced and professional levels.
“With better training, Malaysians can be just as good as the Westerners. We are not any lesser than them.”
There must, however, be a bigger desire to succeed, he said.
His advice for youngsters who want to dance their way to a career?
“You’ve got to be committed. You should follow your heart, (even if) that may sound corny,” he said.
Fact File
NAME: Raymond Chai
AGE: 49
HOMETOWN: Ipoh, Perak
EDUCATION: SRK Methodist (ACS), SMK Methodist (ACS) Ipoh; Rambert School of Ballet, London, Britain
OCCUPATION: Ballet lecturer and choreographer
CURRENT BASE: London, Britain
YEARS ABR OAD: 32 years

A perfect getaway

Hawaii proves to be a great holiday spot, boasting culture, gorgeous scenery and plenty of activities.

She is just 20 years old but Kylie Lokahi Mattos has already clocked 16 years in hula dancing.

“I started learning the dance when I was four. These days, I love that I can play a part in keeping the culture alive,” says the pretty Hawaiian-born lass.

Mattos is part of a troupe that offers free performances on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday evenings in Hawaii’s Kuhio Beach Park, which is part of the famed Waikiki Beach in Honolulu.

Their shows start in late evenings, enabling spectators a view of the sunset while seated under an ancient banyan tree to enjoy the dance and music. Hula dancing, according to Mattos, involves a great deal of coordination and synchronisation as the dancer needs to be mindful of the way they move their hands and hips, and even their eyes.

“Most people have a great interest in watching the dance. I am glad that they can be a part of our culture,” says Mattos, a cosmetology students who dances part-time.

Hula dances aside, Honolulu offers a thrilling time for beach lovers. No stretch of any beach is considered private property. The Waikiki beach, for instance, is always crowded, never mind if it’s 2pm when the glare from the sun is considered too much for the average Asian.

Most Malaysians would remember Hawaii Five-O, the iconic American detective TV series which was shot on location in Honolulu. Other Made-in-Hawaii shows are Magnum, P.I. and Lost which was shot on the island of Oahu. But the Aloha State has other intriguing facets, too.

Get a bird’s eye view of Honolulu at the Nu’uanu Pali State Park, where according to a signboard there, even “Mark Twain once called this view the most beautiful in the world.”

Hawaii’s famous local boy is, of course, Barack Obama. The US president is immortalised as dolls in all manners, playing the ukelele on the shelves of gift shops.

One local tour company offers “Obama’s Hawaii presidential tour” at US$5. Its tagline? “Yes, We Can!”

Honolulu also boasts the world’s largest open-air shopping centre called the Ala Moana Centre which has 290 stores and restaurants. Get your fix of designer brands here.

Then there is the International Market Place which is also an open-air concept for shoppers to browse and buy from at least 100 shops, kiosks and stands selling under the sun. It is located right in the heart of Waikiki, under a magnificent banyan tree.

According to Michael Parke, a researcher who has lived here for three decades, Hawaii is one of the best examples of how different races get along with one another.

“At least 65% of children born here are of mixed parentage,” he says. “How cool is that?”

He notes that at least 35% of homes here still speak a language other than English.

Filipinos are the fastest growing ethnic group here, which probably explains why adobo sauce is so readily available at the shelves of Walmart.

Aishah Osman, a Malaysian who has lived in Hawaii for almost three years, loves being in Honolulu.

“Every day is like a vacation to me. The ocean and mountain are in my backyard. Everything is so beautiful,” she says.

Aishah, who completed a Master of Arts in Communication from Hawaii Pacific University in January, is now taking time to enjoy the place. “I’m not going home any time soon. Not until I am done with Hawaii!”

A beach person, 30-year-old Aishah says she loves outdoor activities such as swimming and snorkelling and hiking.

“I have met cool, interesting people from all over the world since I got here in 2007. It’s like a melting pot.”

It is common in Hawaii to make friends instantly, she says.

“No matter what, I feel that Hawaii has the welcoming and loving spirit like no other places. It is the Aloha spirit. I have so much love and respect for the island.”

Branded in the buff

Buckle up, there is no messing around with a singing cowboy who is firmly in the saddle with no thoughts of hanging up his boots any time soon.

ROBERT Burck has little modesty, that’s for sure. On his website, he calls himself an American legend and a New York City icon who has had photographs taken of him at a rate of about 8,000 snapshots an hour.
But he has surely earned the right to be immodest. As the Naked Cowboy of Times Square where he performs, wearing nothing but briefs and a cowboy hat, his fame was sealed once again when news about him suing a copy-cat busker was reported last month throughout the world from South Africa to New Zealand.
Burck is no ordinary busker. His “career” has grown leaps and sounds since he branded himself about 10 years ago as the Naked Cowboy.
Now, he has a manager and his Naked Cowboy Enterprises focuses on licensing stuff “from Naked Cowboy oysters to Naked Cowboy merchandising” to image licensing.And there is always hope to develop a TV show or to become a screen actor, said Todd Rubenstein, who has been Burck’s manager since 2007.
“It is now basically about staying focused on building the brand and growing its value,” he said in an e-mail.
Which explains why former stripper Sandy Kane got a a cease-and-desist letter when she persisted in busking at Times Square wearing only a bikini and a cowboy hat. It was, apparently, an infringement of the Naked Cowboy trademark.
“We have been trying, in a friendly manner, to get Sandy to participate legally when she first came on the scene about two and a half years ago,” said Rubenstein.
Kane had refused to sign a franchise agreement drawn up by the Naked Cowboy Enterprises. It is a nine-page deal which requires signatories to pay US$5,000 (RM16,100) a year or US$500 (RM1,610) a month, besides a 20% royalty fee of any appearance arranged by the company.(Kane was quoted in press reports saying that she did not owe Burck anything. “I’ve been naked for years,” she reportedly said.)
Being the Naked Cowboy, clearly, is damn serious business.
Two years ago, he sued a candy manufacturer for trademark infringement when it put up two billboards in Times Square which depicted a cartoon character in the likeness of the Naked Cowboy image.
The case was eventually settled although news reports then noted that the terms were not disclosed.
Burck, who has a degree in political science, also announced last year that he wanted to run for mayor of New York City. His campaign tagline? “Nobody has done more with less.”
But his political ambition was shortlived as he quit the race when the red tape in launching a political campaign became too overbearing for him.
According to a report in The New York Times on Sept 4 last year, a financial disclosure form which he filed as part of a campaign requirement listed his job as a “travelling entertainer” who earned an income of between US$100,000 (RM322,350) and US$250,000 (RM805,800) in 2008.
Clearly, his job has its moments.
“One time, he took a shower with two beautiful naked women in the middle of Times Square as part of a promotion,” Rubenstein said.
Asked whether Burck gets propositioned or harrassed by women, he said: “Hundreds of times per day.”
The 39-year-old Burck, however, has been “in a relationship with the same woman for five years.” She has three children.
Rubenstein noted that Burck faces occupational hazards as well in the past decade as the Naked Cowboy.
“Once, a man stopped his car in the middle of the street, jumped out, ran up to Robert, said nothing and punched him in the face.”
The Naked Cowboy also had to deal with psychopaths, jealousy and dog bites, Rubenstein said. He mentioned terrorist threats, too, likely in reference to the May 1 car bomb attempt at Times Square.
Burck, according to his website, claims to read about 50 books a year.
Asked about the best tip he had ever received, Rubenstein replied:
“Someone suggested that he read self-help author Anthony Robbins’ Unlimited Power: The New Science Of Personal Achievement.”
That book, he said, changed his life completely.
But aren’t there days when Burck doesn’t feel like coming out to sing?
“Robert Burck is Naked Cowboy every single day, for the most part,” Rubenstein said. He said Burck held firm to the 3Ds – discipline, diligence and determination.
“Every day can provide a reason not to work but those thoughts must be overcome.”
As Burck’s manager, he gets asked all the time all sorts of questions about the Naked Cowboy.
The common ones are: Does he ever leave New York? How does he do it in the winter/snow?
Is he available for (event)?
Apparent, Burck is also a registered marriage officiant which explains why his website invites couples to be married by the Naked Cowboy in ceremonies priced at US$499 (RM1,607) and above.
As for Rubenstein, he loves being Burck’s manager.
“I work with many celebrities for years. There isn’t a more unique circumstance that covers as many different opportunities as Naked Cowboy’s,” he said.
“The best part about working with Naked Cowboy is: He is the first person I’ve met that works as diligently as I do (and more so) on his career.”
Yee-hah!

Love lost and found

JOHN Bowe, a New York-based writer and journalist, spent two years scouring all corners of the United States to hear what his fellow Americans thought about romance.
He wanted to know their love stories – with “dream boats” or “train wrecks” – so all the interviewees were asked to talk about the person whom they had loved most.Backed by a team, the project began with a mass e-mail which eventually led to hundreds of conversations being recorded. The outcome was Us: Americans Talk About Love, a compilation of 44 humorous and poignant personal testimonies on love.
“There are so many good moments, funny lines, inspiring or horrible stories,” said Bowe in an e-mail interview.
Take, for instance, a feisty 80-year-old woman in New Mexico who made no bones about how she felt about Clyde, her first husband, who was a womaniser and alchoholic:
“I remember the day – this was years after we had divorced – my daughter called me and said: ‘I know you don’t care, but Clyde had a heart attack and died when he was out jogging.’ And I thought: ‘Son of a b****, I’ll never be able to run him over.’”
Then, there were the elderly Gerd and Dina Kohler who discovered each other when their spouses were having an affair together.They divorced their cheating partners, became friends, and eventually got hitched to one another. They have been married for 28 years.
“We thank (Gina’s) ex-husband every day. Actually, every year on the divorce date, we send him a thank-you note,” said Gerd, 66.
Throughout interviews like these, Bowe discovered that each person’s voice had a different music and cadence to it.“And capturing that is just as important to me as what is being said. It’s like if you write an ex-girlfriend a three-page letter saying you are over her, versus an e-mail that’s 15 words long. Three pages says you still have time for her, but 15 words say you have other things to do!”
A contributor to The New Yorker and The New York Times Magazine, Bowe, who has two other books to his credit, decided to jot down the love stories of Americans when his own relationship broke down.
“I had fallen in love with someone for the first time in a decade, and love was very much on my mind,” said Bowe, 45.
He had previously written about modern slavery and bad labour conditions in the United States and “wanted to do something to restore my spirits.”
His latest book was therapeutic for him.
“You get a better idea of things that work and don’t work, and when you see how many ways there are to make love work, it’s very reassuring,” he added.
But it was not an entirely easy thing to listen to Americans describe their love, longing or pain.
“When one man said that God had put a woman in his life, I had to ask: ‘Does that just mean you wanted to have sex with her, or what?’” Bowe said.
The man replied that he had wanted to have sex with different women “but with this woman, when I felt that way, it came with an intense feeling of peace.”
Love, Bowe concluded, remained a puzzle. “The only thing that matters is that you and your partner are true to your own goals.”
He learned that the couples who did well were those with a shared goal.
“The main thing is that they are pursuing a shared vision of how to live life.
“I think this sustains people more than simply relying upon one’s personality to make another person happy for a lifetime.”
Us: Americans Talk About Love has received relatively good reviews in the United States.
The New York Times ran a flattering description of Bowe, whom the report described as “a perpetual bachelor” with all the requisites of being a Mr Oh-So-Right, ripe for the picking.
Bowe was swamped by hundreds of e-mail messages when the story came out in January. Women offered to meet him or to play the matchmaker.
“I have no problem with the idea of meeting someone on the Internet. But to me, that felt strange and uncomfortable. I guess I prefer to meet people in real life,” said Bowe (whom, incidentally, is a foodie who enjoys rendang and sambal belacan.)
Most of the e-mail were, thus, left unread.
So, what does Bowe the bachelor have to say about being single in Manhattan?
“Umm ... since a large number of attractive men in New York are gay, it is very easy for bachelors, if they are not fat, to bed a lot of beautiful women,” he quipped.
However, it would be much harder for people to mate and create a life together, he said.
“The smart ones move away from the city in order to do that. Otherwise, there are too many distractions. It’s like the Internet; there’s always someone new knocking on your door.”
Bowe stressed that he was no Dr Love or Agony Aunt, despite publishing the book. “I could never pretend to be an expert on love,” he said.

Diversity is no barrier to unity

Malaysia would seem to have nothing in common with Nashville but this city of country music has hit a high note on religious diversity in a case that would resonate in any multi-racial country.

ON a cold February day, a Nashville mosque was vandalised with a chilling message “Muslims Go Home” splayed out in red paint on its wall.
It was a hate crime that shattered the community which had so far faced little trouble in this Tennessee city known for its country music.
Hell did not break loose, though.
Instead, the Somali congregation found an outpouring of support from people of all stripes – from Nashville mayor Karl Dean to the Jewish community to a lorry driver who wanted to help clean up the graffiti.
“Our mayor literally dropped everything and rushed there,” said Kasar Abdullah, who is advocacy and education director of Tennessee Immigrant & Refugee Rights Coalition.
That incident, she said, brought out the true face of the community.
“The reaction was fabulous,” she said.
“There was tremendous backing from native Nashvillians who support Muslims being here,” said Kasar, who was just six when her family fled Kurdistan and arrived in Nashville in 1996.
Nashville, which has a 600,000-strong population, has seen an influx ing of immigrants especially Muslims in the past decade. It also has the largest Kurdish community in the United States.
A graduate of Tennessee State University, Kasar who is married and has a two-year-old daughter spoke candidly to a group of Asian journalists during their visit to Nashville organised by the Honolulu-based East-West Center recently.
(The trip was part of a three-week seminar on “Bridging Gaps Between the United States and the Muslim World”.)
Kasar blamed the hate crimes on local leaders who used fear tactics, citing a politician who is running for Congress on an anti-Syariah platform and whose campaign focused on immigration and English as the official language.
Also, the media, in seeking high ratings, ran reports that caused tension among the people, she said.
“There have been numerous articles in the local media that are raising negative feelings.”
A TV channel, for instance, carried a broadcast about a Muslim community in Tennessee that was supposedly a terrorist training compound and dubbed it “Islamville”.
It subsequently found no such training camp “but the damage had been done,” said Kasar.
She also spoke about local hate groups which had held meetings and press conferences to accuse Islam of being a “religion of jihad”.
Still, Kasar loves being in the United States.
“I am glad to be here. This is where I learned what Islam really is instead of what I am expected to do by my culture,” she said.
She cited the Kurdish culture where women did not wear the hijab until they were married.
Kasar started wearing the veil after 9/11.
“There was a battle in my own family who did not want me to put it on. A lot of my Muslim friends took it off after 9/11.”
She persisted in covering her head, thinking: “I am a Muslim; I can be successful; there is freedom of choice in Islam.”
So who are the American Muslims?
Magali Rheault, Gallup Poll senior consultant, said they were the most racially diverse group in the United States.
Muslim converts
“African-Americans, mostly converts, form the biggest group (35%),” she said during a talk on “Muslim Americans: A National Portrait” in Washington DC.
The statistics were derived from a study by The Muslim West Facts Project released last year which interviewed 319,751 adults.
It found 70% of Muslim Americans reported being employed, out of which at least 30% had a professional job.
Most Muslim Americans are young, too, compared to believers of other faiths. They have the highest proportion of adults between the ages of 18 and 29.
“9/11 really put Islam on the radar screen of Americans,” Rheault said.
Asked about Muslim converts among American youths, she said: “I don’t have the research on this but I think Islam’s concept of peace and brotherhood appealed to a lot people.”
Still, an analysis on “Religious Perceptions in America” by the Gallup World Religion Survey found that 53% of Americans admitted that their opinion of Islam was either “not too favourable” or “not favourable at all”.
Most of them also said they had little knowledge of Islam and another 43% admitted to feeling at least “a little prejudice” against Muslims.
But attitudes have gradually changed over the years.
Lana Lockhart-Ezzeir, a Louisiana native who converted to Islam 22 years ago while still in college, recalled the stares when she wore the hijab back then.
“When I first became a Muslim, the hardest part was putting on the hijab. Now when you walk around here in Nashville, you would hardly get a glance for wearing one. You see the hijab all the time, in Walmart and everywhere else,” she said.
“America,” she added, “is a home of immigrants. If people tell you to go home, you can say the same thing to them.”
Things are not entirely smooth sailing, however.
Her son once came back from school and told her that his friends had remarked to him that “you’re going to hell because you don’t believe in Jesus.”
As a social worker, Lockhart-Ezzeir is now helping young Muslims acculturate through a girl scout movement in Nashville, where she and her Palestinian husband have been living since 1994.
A Somali mother, whose child is in the scout movement, said: “I don’t worry about what people think anymore. I don’t care if they think I have a machete under my veil.”
Having lived peacefully in the United States since 1974, she refused to see discrimination or stereotypes.
“If you want to find hate, that is what you would find.”
Life, indeed, has its sweet ironies.
Another Nashville mosque, which was burned in 2008, is now operating from another building that was once a church.
“About 40% of the donations given to us after the attack came from Christians, Jews and other non-Muslims,” said Daoud Abudiab, president of the Islamic Centre of Columbia.
Three men have been convicted for painting swastikas on the mosque and throwing Molotov cocktails at it. Last month, one the offenders was sentenced to 15 years’ jail.
Daoud acknowledged that there had been greater hostility since 9/11.
“But after the fire in the mosque, I received so many calls from local groups and churches denouncing the attack and encouraging us to rebuild.”
The FBI and the Government, he said, had done very well also.
“We did not see the fire as a tragedy but a good way to open up communication.”
But his relatives in Palestine and Dubai did ask him to pack up and leave.
He chose to stay.
“This is our home, our town. I feel welcomed here.”