JOHN Bowe, a New York-based writer and journalist, spent two years scouring all corners of the United States to hear what his fellow Americans thought about romance.
He wanted to know their love stories – with “dream boats” or “train wrecks” – so all the interviewees were asked to talk about the person whom they had loved most.Backed by a team, the project began with a mass e-mail which eventually led to hundreds of conversations being recorded. The outcome was Us: Americans Talk About Love, a compilation of 44 humorous and poignant personal testimonies on love.
“There are so many good moments, funny lines, inspiring or horrible stories,” said Bowe in an e-mail interview.
Take, for instance, a feisty 80-year-old woman in New Mexico who made no bones about how she felt about Clyde, her first husband, who was a womaniser and alchoholic:
“I remember the day – this was years after we had divorced – my daughter called me and said: ‘I know you don’t care, but Clyde had a heart attack and died when he was out jogging.’ And I thought: ‘Son of a b****, I’ll never be able to run him over.’”
Then, there were the elderly Gerd and Dina Kohler who discovered each other when their spouses were having an affair together.They divorced their cheating partners, became friends, and eventually got hitched to one another. They have been married for 28 years.
“We thank (Gina’s) ex-husband every day. Actually, every year on the divorce date, we send him a thank-you note,” said Gerd, 66.
Throughout interviews like these, Bowe discovered that each person’s voice had a different music and cadence to it.“And capturing that is just as important to me as what is being said. It’s like if you write an ex-girlfriend a three-page letter saying you are over her, versus an e-mail that’s 15 words long. Three pages says you still have time for her, but 15 words say you have other things to do!”
A contributor to The New Yorker and The New York Times Magazine, Bowe, who has two other books to his credit, decided to jot down the love stories of Americans when his own relationship broke down.
“I had fallen in love with someone for the first time in a decade, and love was very much on my mind,” said Bowe, 45.
He had previously written about modern slavery and bad labour conditions in the United States and “wanted to do something to restore my spirits.”
His latest book was therapeutic for him.
“You get a better idea of things that work and don’t work, and when you see how many ways there are to make love work, it’s very reassuring,” he added.
But it was not an entirely easy thing to listen to Americans describe their love, longing or pain.
“When one man said that God had put a woman in his life, I had to ask: ‘Does that just mean you wanted to have sex with her, or what?’” Bowe said.
The man replied that he had wanted to have sex with different women “but with this woman, when I felt that way, it came with an intense feeling of peace.”
Love, Bowe concluded, remained a puzzle. “The only thing that matters is that you and your partner are true to your own goals.”
He learned that the couples who did well were those with a shared goal.
“The main thing is that they are pursuing a shared vision of how to live life.
“I think this sustains people more than simply relying upon one’s personality to make another person happy for a lifetime.”
Us: Americans Talk About Love has received relatively good reviews in the United States.
The New York Times ran a flattering description of Bowe, whom the report described as “a perpetual bachelor” with all the requisites of being a Mr Oh-So-Right, ripe for the picking.
Bowe was swamped by hundreds of e-mail messages when the story came out in January. Women offered to meet him or to play the matchmaker.
“I have no problem with the idea of meeting someone on the Internet. But to me, that felt strange and uncomfortable. I guess I prefer to meet people in real life,” said Bowe (whom, incidentally, is a foodie who enjoys rendang and sambal belacan.)
Most of the e-mail were, thus, left unread.
So, what does Bowe the bachelor have to say about being single in Manhattan?
“Umm ... since a large number of attractive men in New York are gay, it is very easy for bachelors, if they are not fat, to bed a lot of beautiful women,” he quipped.
However, it would be much harder for people to mate and create a life together, he said.
“The smart ones move away from the city in order to do that. Otherwise, there are too many distractions. It’s like the Internet; there’s always someone new knocking on your door.”
Bowe stressed that he was no Dr Love or Agony Aunt, despite publishing the book. “I could never pretend to be an expert on love,” he said.
He wanted to know their love stories – with “dream boats” or “train wrecks” – so all the interviewees were asked to talk about the person whom they had loved most.Backed by a team, the project began with a mass e-mail which eventually led to hundreds of conversations being recorded. The outcome was Us: Americans Talk About Love, a compilation of 44 humorous and poignant personal testimonies on love.
“There are so many good moments, funny lines, inspiring or horrible stories,” said Bowe in an e-mail interview.
Take, for instance, a feisty 80-year-old woman in New Mexico who made no bones about how she felt about Clyde, her first husband, who was a womaniser and alchoholic:
“I remember the day – this was years after we had divorced – my daughter called me and said: ‘I know you don’t care, but Clyde had a heart attack and died when he was out jogging.’ And I thought: ‘Son of a b****, I’ll never be able to run him over.’”
Then, there were the elderly Gerd and Dina Kohler who discovered each other when their spouses were having an affair together.They divorced their cheating partners, became friends, and eventually got hitched to one another. They have been married for 28 years.
“We thank (Gina’s) ex-husband every day. Actually, every year on the divorce date, we send him a thank-you note,” said Gerd, 66.
Throughout interviews like these, Bowe discovered that each person’s voice had a different music and cadence to it.“And capturing that is just as important to me as what is being said. It’s like if you write an ex-girlfriend a three-page letter saying you are over her, versus an e-mail that’s 15 words long. Three pages says you still have time for her, but 15 words say you have other things to do!”
A contributor to The New Yorker and The New York Times Magazine, Bowe, who has two other books to his credit, decided to jot down the love stories of Americans when his own relationship broke down.
“I had fallen in love with someone for the first time in a decade, and love was very much on my mind,” said Bowe, 45.
He had previously written about modern slavery and bad labour conditions in the United States and “wanted to do something to restore my spirits.”
His latest book was therapeutic for him.
“You get a better idea of things that work and don’t work, and when you see how many ways there are to make love work, it’s very reassuring,” he added.
But it was not an entirely easy thing to listen to Americans describe their love, longing or pain.
“When one man said that God had put a woman in his life, I had to ask: ‘Does that just mean you wanted to have sex with her, or what?’” Bowe said.
The man replied that he had wanted to have sex with different women “but with this woman, when I felt that way, it came with an intense feeling of peace.”
Love, Bowe concluded, remained a puzzle. “The only thing that matters is that you and your partner are true to your own goals.”
He learned that the couples who did well were those with a shared goal.
“The main thing is that they are pursuing a shared vision of how to live life.
“I think this sustains people more than simply relying upon one’s personality to make another person happy for a lifetime.”
Us: Americans Talk About Love has received relatively good reviews in the United States.
The New York Times ran a flattering description of Bowe, whom the report described as “a perpetual bachelor” with all the requisites of being a Mr Oh-So-Right, ripe for the picking.
Bowe was swamped by hundreds of e-mail messages when the story came out in January. Women offered to meet him or to play the matchmaker.
“I have no problem with the idea of meeting someone on the Internet. But to me, that felt strange and uncomfortable. I guess I prefer to meet people in real life,” said Bowe (whom, incidentally, is a foodie who enjoys rendang and sambal belacan.)
Most of the e-mail were, thus, left unread.
So, what does Bowe the bachelor have to say about being single in Manhattan?
“Umm ... since a large number of attractive men in New York are gay, it is very easy for bachelors, if they are not fat, to bed a lot of beautiful women,” he quipped.
However, it would be much harder for people to mate and create a life together, he said.
“The smart ones move away from the city in order to do that. Otherwise, there are too many distractions. It’s like the Internet; there’s always someone new knocking on your door.”
Bowe stressed that he was no Dr Love or Agony Aunt, despite publishing the book. “I could never pretend to be an expert on love,” he said.
